6th Street Crime Fighting

How am I? How am I doing? Okay, so, I'm tastin blood, chilled to the bone, and gettin beat senseless by a buncha flyin brooms, and... this's like, the best Friday night I've had in weeks. Lemme explain here. Jimmy and Frito and I fight crime for a l- well, not for a living, it's not like we get paid or anything. Right? But we're gonna be big once we take down someone that, like, people know about! Last dude we stopped was tryin to rob his mom's laundromat with a staplegun or some %*!#, I dunno, I was just on my way home from my REAL job and saw - wait, can I swear on here? Oh, sorry, uhh...

Yeah, so, that's why I'm in a sewer right now, fightin janitorial equipment. Don't got tooo long to talk, so lemme make this quick! So, okay, we needed work. And it's not like we can just tune in to a police radio, right? Well, we got us a little hotline set up, put up posters, my cousin did the graphic design and gave us a slogan! Yeah, I know, he's really talented for an eleven year old. Anyway, we got all the freakin STUPID stuff that people called us for after the police were like, "yeah, we ain't sendin people out to deal with," like, oh I dunno, "walkin stuffed freakin teddy bears stealin all the ham from your freezer." We get a few prank calls like that.

Sorry, I said I was gonna make that short, right? Well, uhh, the living teddy bears call was real enough. They went down easy, too, but I didn't care, I hadn't blown anything up for weeks. That was freakin awesome though, I wish I recorded that. HEY WINNIE THE POOH, LIGHTS OUT BOOM BOOM. Maaan there was stuffin floatin all over the place, like it was snowing. Majestic.

That was only the first call though. Bear had connections I guess, cause there's been a buncha other meat thefts since then, and all by something not human. Frito's been clawing shag rugs to bits and Jimmy fought off like 24 volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica. But this time we was smart. Just stayed low and quietly tailed a big old jacket makin its way down the road wrapped around a frozen chicken. We couldn't all go together, so that's how I came to be first to plop down into the sewer and first to get mobbed by like six brooms and what is that, a freakin bucket? Dunno where erryone else is. But I'm so happy we finally got a real case, man! I'm drippin piss and $#!& from my toes to my elbows and I feel so aliiiiiiiiiive!

So, uhh, that's where I'm at, I guess. Back in a minute, it's back to business! I mean... It's time to clean up!

~~~

-Kill all brooms with awesome superpower

-Restrain broom for questioning

-Run like a $*%!@, you $*%!@

-Call for help

-Reflect on teammates (and self)

-Other (post a reply!)

-Reflect on teammates (and self)

This broom comes at me, but it's ahead of its friends and I get a good grip on it and snap it over my knee. Man I love doin that move. Brings me back to trainin days with Frito and Jimmy. Well, we were training last weekend, but it still brings me back.

Oh yeah, I guess I should explain on who those guys are, right? Okay okay okay, here we go.

So, Frito and I kinda started this gig. She'd kill me if I toldja how she got her... power, but I'mma say it anyway cause it's dumb as hell and I love it. Kid got her parents to buy her a magic lamp in some seedy old pawn shop on the bad side of town (that's where she grew up I guess), and it must been a little used or some kinda knockoff brand cause it only had one wish left in it. Well little 8-year-old Frita Deguerra was goin through kind of a dark phase, I guess if you have more than one kid you know what I mean, and she wished for the power to kill people with her bare hands. Dreamed of bein a supervillain, I guess, and for a while she got her wish, cause the genie or whatever musta misheard, or maybe it was a monkey's paw kinda deal... Well, now Frito knows plenty about paws.

She was thirteen and tryin to rob a bank, only she musta just seen somethin that LOOKED like it mighta been a bank and marched on in, cause I was enjoyin a fancy-@!$ latte in a fancy-$#! coffeeshop when this kid marches in wavin around two bear arms from the elbows up, shoutin and lookin more scared than anything. Well, lucky I was there so I could get to her before the police did; I ran over and said she was my cousin and she was playin a joke, and I acted all frightened and embarrassed (wasn't hard) and apologized and marched her outta there, and she musta went along with it cause not even she knew what she was doin. I bought her a juice in the next shop over and we sat down in a booth and had a little talk.

Frito had to grow up pretty fast, see, and there's not a lotta straight jobs you can get with two big@$% bear hands like that. It was bein a hero or bein a villain, that was it for her, and one of those was a lot easier. She cried a bit after I kinda got her talking, and I knew I had to do somethin or she'd end up in jail or a henchman to one of the Big Bads or somethin like that. Cause her parents sure weren't doin anything. I didn't really want to go into superheroing, but she was just a kid and she needed help and I was the only one there. So we started 6th Street Crime Fighting, got ourselves some codenames, and here we is, fightin' brooms in a sewer. She's fifteen now and I still call her Frito cause she #@%*in hates it, but to the adoring public she's known as Ursa. Or at least she will be known, once we take down someone big.

Hey, speak of the devil! Looks like Frito caught up, and she don't look happy. Looks like she might wanna bust a few brooms, matter of fact. Well, I can go with that. Uuhhh I was gonna talk about Jimmy and me, too, right? Well I'll have to get back to you in a bit cause we gotta take care of... No, no, we gotta wipe the floor with these things. Hahaaa

???:
-Kill all brooms with awesome superpower

-Restrain broom for questioning

-Run like a $*%!@, you $*%!@

-Reflect more on teammates and self

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

Ursa:
-Watch your friend get beat by brooms n $#!&, that's hella funny. Maybe even record that $#!&

-Help out

-Run ahead to get the drop on this meat thief

-Call for help

-Beast mode

-Other (post a reply!)

???:
-Restrain broom for questioning WHILE reflecting more on teammates and self

Got one by the handle!

"Alright brooms, uhh, back away or your friend goes to the big closet in the sky. And I mean it! I killed whole janitors, so don't..."

Oh. I didn't expect that to work. Look at those things. How can a piece a wood could look so concerned? Well, this is weird and all, but I guess I'll just kill the rest. Unless...

"Okay, talk," I say, and put a fist up to my hostage's... Well, up to my hostage. "Who're you working for, broom? Answer quick or I'm turnin' your pals into splinters."

There's a couple seconds. I think it's startin to sweat. Maybe I shoulda brought paper and ink or something... Well, I don't got a lotta time to think about it, cause it's still four on one and these things are ready to pounce, I know I could see it in their eyes if they had any.

So I get a bit jumpy, and I let loose a bit. Okay? It could, y'know, happen to anyone. They come at me all at the same time and before you can bark...


BADDA BOOM, broom soup. It's rainin splinters down here so I cover my head, but I still got the one in my offhand in case we need a hostage later. Don't think it'd do much talkin now even if it could, though, heeeee.

I guess I should explain how I did that but I ain't gonna. I mean, I have powers, but I haven't told Frito or Jimmy my... Oh my God, do I have to call it an origin story? So I'm sure not telling you.. For now, uhh... Just, my name's Joyce Neer (I go by Joy) and I'm a clerk. You know, like, in an office and $#!&. I work evenings with Frito and Jimmy and we fight whatever bad guys we can find. I didn't wanna be a superhero, but I guess I kinda am now, which, you know, whatever. I get no freakin sleep but at least I can blow $#!& up again. Frito wanted to think of a codename for me and the best she could do was Killjoy, so I guess once we take out someone big then that'll be what you should call me in public.

Speakin of Frito what the hell's she doin over there?

~~~

Ursa:
-Watch your friend get beat by brooms n $#!&, that's hella funny. Maybe even record that $#!& (can she even HOLD a phone with those hands?!?)

hahahaaa this is great. i thought i got the $#!& job when i was fighting road signs. oh man. i gotta think of a broom pun. hold on a second i need to get my phone...

guuuh

$#!& i forgot these are my bad pants. i told joy to throw these out the pockets are too damn small. let me try an

RIIIP

what the !*@# the stupid fabric so weak. phones out though. yeah hahahaaa its an ipad not a phone cause of my big@$& hands shut up and let me do my thing. im going to put this on reddit holy $#!& spacefreak and apex are going to die laughing. sorry joy!! is she !*@#ing talking to it now?! you do you joy

"Frito what the hell. Stop taking pict - are you recording? Dude, are you recording?"

"No no! No no no, I mean yeah, cause I thought the guys on reddit might know more, uhh, maybe it can help us track down this guy..."

"Put the phone away. Put-"

"And what the !*@#, Joy, I mean - uh, Killjoy, you have to call me Ursa! We have to use codenames, people are gonna - or they're gonna know about our, who we really are."

"Oh like anyone's gonna, like, not recognize you, Frito. Like if you put on glasses or something."

"Man screw you. Where's NCM?"

"NC - who? Jimmy? Oh, uh, I dunno. I mean, I thought he was behind you."

"No..."

~~~

Killjoy:
-Dispatch hostage in anger

-Go back to look for Jimmy

-Reflect even more on teammates

-Go on ahead

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

Ursa:
-Go back to look for Jimmy

-Go on ahead

-Do something with the video (post a reply!)

-Other (post a reply!)

Killjoy:
-Dispatch hostage in anger

Guuuh. Jimmy doesn't go off on his own. He's probably buried under a stack of notebooks or duking it out with silverware or something. This is like, the first chance we've got on getting the jump on whoever's behind all this jazz, and Jimmy can't handle himself so now we gotta backtrack and hold his hand or whatever. It's unprofessional is what it is, unprofessional. How we gonna be a legitimate business when we can't even take down one supervillain?

I look there at this broom handle in my hand and I'm just like, this is stupid. This here is a living broom and it don't even talk. !*@# you, broom, you don't even, you don't pay bills, you don't pay taxes, and I'm supposed to make a living off of taking you down? I mean I might as well stop working nights and get some sleep. I got work tomorrow, and you're you're you're, you're just a broom. Go to, you know what, go to hell! Go to COLD, DUSTY BROOM HELL!

SMASH


What? No no no no, I'm not evil, that's, that was just stress relief. Hey what's the big idea, anyway? Cut that out.


Okay, better. Whew. Sorry about that, it just, sometimes you gotta break something. Anyway it's not like these things are really alive.

"Frito - siiigh - can you go back and find Jimmy? I'm worried he's, like - well - he might need help or something."

"What? Aw come on man we can't let this dude get away, Jimmy's-"

"Frito, hon, you're killin me."

"Uuuugh fiiiiiine. And what you gonna do?"

That's a good question I guess. Well, I dunno, I kinda feel like blowing more $#!& up so I say,

"I'm gonna go on and scout ahead. I won't go far, though, so don't worry, okay? I'm just gonna make sure we haven't lost this dude yet. Call me when you get Jimmy. Okee-dokee?"

"Yeah, okay I guess."

"Bye, good luck."

"Bye Joy."

I'll catch you guys in a sec. Right after I catch this perp. Hahahaaa, I said perp!

~~~

Ursa:
-Go back to look for Jimmy

okay i feel like you guys are getting the wrong impression of me so listen, i would ORDINARILY go and fight the dude myself, cause im sick of just running around all day. we get lots of calls and most of them arent real theyre just pranks or something. or someones grandma saw like, bigfoot or a man covered in paint looking through the window and got spooked and they think were some kinda, like a psychic hotline, like the Supernatural guys or something.

hold up lemme get outta this sewer. heres where we fell down. i mean i jumped down.

okay where, uh yeah yeah, so i would ORDINARILY love to just fight this villain dude and get it over with and go home i would do that ORDINARILY. today though it's like, weird. i dunno maybe its a part of growing up but joy and OH $#!& WHAT THE !*@# IS THIS

WHAT IS THIS!? WHAT

IS JIMMY FIGHTIN A CAR?

WHAT DID, WHEN, DID I GET TRAINING FOR THIS?!

"JIMMY! JIMMY, WHAT THE !*@#!? ...WHAT THE !*@#, JIMMY?"

"Huh? F-f-f, Frita! Watch out! Stay there! Get back! Don't move, Frita! Get outta here, she's still around... She's... uhh... Hey gimme a sec, kid!"

"JIMMY WATCH OUT! And !*@#, Jimmy, I told you it's Ursa not Frita... I mean, !*@#, NCM... I ain't callin you that... HEY HEY STILL WATCH OUT!!"

its comin right for him man, its, its our van? hey, thats OUR VAN! what the hells "she" doin in our van? (im not quick on the uptake but i guess its clear to you that theres nobody in the van. its alive all on its own just like the brooms and the carpets i guess. which is cool and all for science-wise but damn like, in my situation how do you fight that)

~~~

Killjoy:
-Proceed with caution

-Haul some @$&

-Reflect on teammates

-Turn back to regroup

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

Ursa:
-Leap to the rescue

-Mount an offense

-Stay back

-Get the hell outta there

-Look for "she"

-Take over the "reflecting on teammates" business

-Beast mode

-Call Joy for help

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

???:
-Fight Dodge van

-Dodge Dodge van

-Use awesome superpower

-Shout something to Ursa (post a reply!)

-Look for "she"

-Reflect on your own darn self

-Other (post a reply!)

Killjoy:
-Haul some @$&

Okay, sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold while I *huff* take care of this case all by my damn self, hahaaa. No I'm not bitter, I mean per se, it's just, sometimes this job is *huff* kinda like babysitting. Course then a second later it's like being, I dunno, a trauma surgeon or something and *huff* *huff* every thing you do can either win it for you or, or you, *huff* I dunno, trip over a chair right as you're trying to be intimidating and Manny the Maneater gets away right as you were gonna *huff* take him down and you get your name in the *huff* *huff* citywide paper when Masque freakin denounces you and pretty much says you isn't fit to be a real superhero in front of EVERYBODY and then you lose all kindsa business and damn, I'm never gonna live that down... Are you still listening?! Get the hell outta here for a second, okay? I'm working, go bother, uuhhh Frito or Jimmy or someone.


~~~

Ursa:
-Look for "she"

ok jimmy looks like he got this. maybe if it was a tank or something i guess i would help out. i dont want to scratch the van

lemme use my bear senses!! to find out where this lady went. (i dont actually have bear senses!! but, !*@# you im going this way)

Ursa freezes at the mouth of an alley; strange voices are echoing off the old brick walls. She crouches behind a small dumpster and takes a quick peek. Two silhouettes, one short and one very large, converse forty yards away.

oooh what do we have here. i wish i could hear what theyre saying. the short ones waving her hands everywhere so shes agitated about something i guess? but the other ones just kinda standing there. if i had to guess id say shortys this chick thats gonna be responsible for jimmy messing up our ride. boy shes probably worried cause she knows were coming for her lol.

~~~

???:
-Use awesome superpower

With a honk of malice and a squeal of rubber on concrete, the Dodge van charges towards Jimmy, aka ???.

Boy oh boy. Let me tell you, kid, I haven't been in any kind of fight for such a long time. I hope I still got the old touch...

"S-s-s-sorry about this." It was a good van. It had a lotta personality to it. I hate breaking things like that. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and I'm gonna do it or my name's not James Burbanks. Hey, pleased to meet you by the way, you can just call me Jimmy!

What's that? Yeah, you might've heard of me, I played for the Flicks about thirty years ago. The game was different then, just a little. What? Oh, baseball. I guess you haven't really heard of me, then. But hold up, I got my hands full here, we can catch up later.

Did you, did you see what I did there? I said we can catch up. It's 'cause I'm a guy who can catch anything! That's why they call me...



Well, they don't really call me Nice Catch Man anymore, not since I quit the big leagues. I'd never even thought about the superhero business until I met Joy. I'll tell you about that later, too. See you around, kid!


~~~

Ursa:
-Stay back and listen in

-What the !*#$ do you mean, stay back and listen in? Take care of business!

-Go tell Jimmy

-Call Joy

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

Nice Catch Man:
-Take the hit, match your strength

-Leap to one side

-Attempt to enter van

-Other (post a reply!)

Frito: Text Joy. Keep the intel flowing. Jimmy's a pro, he'll be fine.

Jimmy: Enter the van! Ride it like a wild bull!

Frito: Text Joy. Keep the intel flowing. Jimmy's a pro, he'll be fine.

so, you guys dont know me or anything, but id usually beat the $#!& outta guys like these. i could take em! but, im also pretty smart, and i know theres a time to be sneaky sneaky, too.

are they walking off? i cant really see. i guess they turned the corner. hold up a sec imma do my ninja routine...


freaky weird. sssssh i can hear what the chick's saying! i think shes on the phone or something.

"...Yes. Yeah. ...Uhh, corner of... 6th street aaand Pikes... Avenue... Wait, where? That's not... No. Yeah, just over the... Mm. ...Mmm, yeah, and hurry, will you? There's two of them this time, at least, that's all I saw. ... No no no no, they didn't see me. No, you - ... No, I'm with Duke and Duchess, so don't worry. .... Uhhh, lemme see... Let's say 9:50? You know where to... Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, okay. Love you too, bye bye."

she sounds kinda aggravated... like damn, i wonder if she needs a hug lol. maybe ill say that as part of like my hero banter before we fight. wait theyre turning a corner again. i guess i should report mission progress and continue... my uhhh, tactical renaissance!!!



youve probably never had to type with bear hands!! so you can shut your &!*@# mouth

~~~

Jimmy: Enter the van! Ride it like a wild bull!

Giddee'up!


Oh, my back! Oh, my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back my back -


Lord almighty, I wasn't built for this kind of thing! And - I think this girl's engine isn't even on. Does that mean the brakes won't work? The brakes will work, right? I should've listened, my dad, he was always telling me about cars and I didn't listen, and now I'm going to die...!

~~~

Killjoy:
-Topside, double time!

-What the hell's Frito doing? Call her

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

Ursa:
-Keep up the sneak-up

-Take matters into your own paws!

-Other (post a reply!)

~~~

Nice Catch Man:
-Go for the brakes

-The steering wheel will definitely still work!

-Would starting the engine maybe hurt it?

-Abandon ship

-Other (post a reply!)